Bits Of Here And There

Today is the day. It finally arrived. I have been looking forward it the whole year, since that warm and sunny day in September, when I was sitting at a dining table in my Southern California home talking about a TV series I watched years ago about Johann. This was then, when I heard for the first time of organ's ability to produce sounds so low that human ear can not recognize them as sounds. Since then, I was fascinated with an idea of hearing, no, rather, feeling sound not with my ears but rather with my bones.

I love music. I am a person who "loves with her ears". When I listen to music, I surrender to it. I put my mind to rest and let myself being led by the inner and quieter other me. It takes me to places that my mind cannot for imagination rules. I respond to music physically as well as emotionally; its rhythm sets the pace to my breathing and; it makes me laugh or puts me to tears. During these precious moments, I am truly free; there is no limits; no boundaries; no rules. I have no control over it. These are the moments of complete solitude, even if I am surrounded with people.

So, when I was told about this organ in Waalse cathedral in, I made a decision to go there and listen to its fascinating instrument. Idea got stuck in my head. I know what it feels like to listen to music with my ears, now I wanted to go further and listen to it with my bones and since I couldn't imagine how it would feel like, I wanted to experience it even more.

That is the reason of my excitement today. In a couple of hours, I will be at the cathedral at a concert of organ music!

It was another busy day, full of excitements and I am supposed to be exhausted to the point of feeling numb and this hour of relaxation is supposed to be… relaxing, but no way, I can lay still! I am too thrilled of the upcoming event to take it easy and relax. Instead, I am blathering and keep doing all these little things that make no sense at all. Finally, I give up and call it a day. I take cold shower, put make up on and dig out the other (I have two) nice dress I took especially for this occasion. Like a high school girl before a date, I spend more time than usual in front of the mirror and make sure that I look and feel my best.

Rather than taking a cab, I decide to take a metro and walk from the station to the cathedral. On a train, I look around at people: some are reading magazines and paperbacks; some stare in front; some just look tired and gloomy. It's an end of another busy day in the middle of a workweek and everybody wants to get home. Everybody, except me for I am going to experience something many of those people have never heard of. I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath. I am swept over with a warm wave of light and goodness; I wish I could share these amazing feelings with everyone! I open my eyes and see my reflection in the mirror smiling back at me. I look around again and notice that many people stare at me and smile, too. I wonder if they heard my wish; if they actually felt whatever I was feeling at that moment.I get out on my station and go up the stairs to a busy pedestrian street. It's already getting dark and though sky is still blue, I can see stars appearing here and there. The heat of the day surrenders bit by bit to the chill of the night. I feel warmth of the evening breeze on my skin; it caresses me. I listen to the symphony of life around me: there is child's laugh; here comes clinging of the glasses; here is music playing at a restaurant nearby; a siren on a background, and all together it's beautiful.

I am approaching the grand silhouette of the old cathedral, which seems black against the fading blue sky. As I get closer to it, cathedral seems older and gloomier and even grander than before. I feel so small compare to it! I am able to see the old stonewalls, washed by thousands of rains and burned by sunlight for hundreds of years. I see it now and it's been here for centuries and it still be here for centuries to come after I am gone.  In these walls, thousands of people prayed, pleaded, gave up dreams and got hopes; it saw joy and grief; death and reincarnation.

As I get inside, I am amazed with the sudden transformation. It feels like from a busy, loud and lightheaded XXI century, I was thrown a couple of hundred years back, to the place that it lit up by the candles, there people keep the heads and voices down; there saints stare at me from all over. In this flickering light, it seems like it will take them only another moment to come down from their pedestals.

I feel lost. My smiling face, my make up, my fancy dress, all of it seems completely out of place. Fortunately, my train of thought is stopped for the music begins. With the first deep sounds of the organ, all my senses except hearing die or rather all of them turn into hearing. I get numb. World around me turns into a flat image, it gets blurry and the only thing I see clearly is the bright source of light ahead of me. I feel my blood rushing in my veins and my heart beating at some crazy pace. I feel like I am falling into some kind of void and there is nothing there except this music and somehow the music turns into this void itself. Somewhere deep in side me, I feel a very deep and low vibration; it starts in one point and eventually, bit by bit, it sweeps my whole being over and goes beyond me and feels up the void I am in. Suddenly, everything turns silent, like there is nothing: no sounds, no smells, no taste, no colors and it stays like that for a few moments, until I am rushed back into my body, into reality for the music is over. As I applause, I feel tears running down my face. I am overwhelmed with joy and gratefulness for I experience far more than I ever anticipated and I know that this amazing silence was actually the sound I came here for; I felt it and I knew exactly the moment it was gone.

I walk out of the cathedral. While I was inside, night fell over the city and now it's dark. I stop and look up the sky and I think I know exactly what Van Gough meant. Starry, starry night.